Modesty (and lack thereof)

I think modesty is a virtue I hold too dearly near my heart. I always thought that people should have, I thought that I should have it.

A PhD is an exercise in modesty, a friend has told me. She has said that its main function is that it places you opposite your own mediocrity and this is something that one should learn to face. She also told me that at the end of the PhD you end up knowing more about yourself than your topic. My PhD taught me some things about myself, incidentally the same things that my quitting smoking has taught me. (One could therefore say, that I should only have done wither of the two, either a PhD or quitting smoking!) It has taught me that I cannot perform if people are judging me all the time: if people know the exact week I'm submitting, and they ask me all the time, I get nervous and I am afraid. It feels as if I am on a diet and people ask me all the time how much weight I'd lost. When I quit smoking, I didn't tell anybody and I was walking around with my cigarettes in my bag, telling myself that it's ok if I want to smoke, no big deal, they're right here. The same thing happened with my PhD, I had to deflate it in my mind in order to submit it, I had to think that no one was judging me for it.

But I digress, for the issue today is modesty. So, when I started my PhD, me like so many other people before me, I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be the best and change my field. I wanted my PhD to be cited all the time, I wanted to go to conferences and people applaud me as if I were giving an Oscar speech. Alas, it was not meant to be. I did have to accept that I am kind of mediocre, honest yet mediocre.

There are people around me, people that have gone through the same "humbling" experience that are not modest. People that seem untouched from the whole thing. People that still think they will change the world. I am usually very annoyed with these people, perhaps from jealousy, I think. I wish I were like them, I wish I, too were as sure about myself as they are. Perhaps, my love for modesty is love for mediocrity. I want all people to be mediocre and feel modest, just like me. Or perhaps, I should stop feeling mediocre and start being proud of myself, having the all-American attitude of the 'champion'! Maybe like that I can become great too, just like my non-modest friends!