Saturday 11 October 2014

The two selves


And just like this, you are no longer one, you are two, both literally and figuratively. Literally speaking, you, your body created and produced another human. Mind you, sure you had help from this other guy and all but at the end of the day, this new individual grew up inside you. So there.

Figuratively, there is the 'you' before baby, when clothes, job and friends mattered, and then there is the 'you' after baby where you feel utterly disengaged from the world. I mean, I still like clothes, my job and my friends but sometimes I just feel not entirely present. My brain is half elsewhere, don't know how to explain it really, but I can't focus and I often just don't care about what is happening around me.

It's not that I find my child as the most important thing in the world. It's just that suddenly you need to make certain choices about what happens in the life of another person, and this is time-consuming and profound, so suddenly some little detail at work is just not important...

Now that I am on maternity all this is fine and dandy, but what I am really afraid of is the reconciliation of these two selves when I go back at work. Part of me wants to come back and engage again with my normal activities, and find my old self again. Part of me however really doesn't care about all this at all and just wants to stay here and watch my small individual grow...

It's a tough life for new mothers.