One more week under way. Next week I'll be calmer, I thought last Tuesday. But this Tuesday came and went and calmer I am not. Week after week, I am stressed. I have no time to read. I have no time to write. I prepare things at the last minute. Badly. And then I struggle to make them work.
Every week I say, next week I'll feel myself again. Next week I won't run around like a headless chicken. Next week I'll have a bit of time. And next week comes, and still, I go around like a headless chicken.
When I have no time, I freeze. I feel tired constantly and I don't want to get a proper break. I try to work but I can't. I get the unproductive stress, I go from one thing to the next, doing nothing well. I spend hours on the internet, reading shit. Feeling instantly guilty for that, feeling worse.
The only thing that calms me down is a bit of time. Taking some time to write my list, cross things off one by one, feel that my in-tray is getting emptier. Even if it's not.
These are hard times: they make you feel that it's a privilege to have a job that's why you need to work your ass off.
But it's not a privilege, it's really not. When I die, I will not say, I was privileged enough to have a job. I might say, I was privileged to meet wonderful people, to have an interesting life, to feel love. Not to fucking work.
I am angry and confused. I haven't written anything about the financial situation of the world, of Greece, mostly because I am not sure I will write something profound enough. But here is the thing: this is not a normal world. This world is going to hell. This whole shit is not normal. People have the right to live without feeling thankful that someone is not shooting them dead.
Anyway, this post is now definitely verging on the utterly incoherent, but what can I do? Delete it and pretend it never existed? No way.
(Besides it makes me feel so revolutionary to write "fuck" like this all over the place)
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